Massive low today, my hands are shaking, my mood is frantic and I can’t even begin to explain the feeling of total and complete dread that has washed over me. I have to hold out for two more weeks like this, wish me luck
tumblrbot said: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?
Singing my own version of jingle Bells into a tape recorder and doing a dance.
Had to reblog this, that is Fucking amazing!
Twenty One Mario Characters
Yea, I’d go through a million unbearable lives just so my sister could smile, small consolation to living, even when I think I can’t stand it, but to me its worth it.
I’ve been riding on a pretty incredible high for the last week only for it to come crashing down, but well what else can you expect when you are “chemically imbalanced” and off your meds. I guess what I’m going to do right now is make a feeble attempt to share what my down feels like. Its not funny or witty or even remotely like “me” at all but I mean here it is
For starters I’ve been having Horrid nightmares for the last two weeks straight, and let me tell you its not your run of the mill, creepy thing happening. Its unsettling to the core, mostly because they are night terrors, waking nightmares, and making me question whatever reality I’m looking at in those moments. There is no monster chasing me. No man in a mask. Its just everyone in my life turning into something dark, some deformed versions of themselves that I can’t even discern the physical difference from if I had snapped to consciousness and they were sitting at my bedside. Its also full of just the emotion of absolute dread and awareness. Immediately I am made painfully aware that my surroundings are not right and that no matter how hard I try I cannot wake up, I cannot move my physical body, and within a minute of this realization I cannot breathe. To wake up I try to scream to yell, I end up clawing deep gouges to myself and scratching at walls. Only to be so exhausted from trying to wake up in the first place that I just pass back out again… rinse, repeat…
All of that to say I woke up this morning and wanting to do something mindless, that wasn’t available to me so I became upset.. and soon after just more depressed than I was to begin with and contemplating a million ways to kill myself.
Yep that’s right, this girl.. it is really an all consuming thought… But then and only if you catch it early enough (most days I don’t) you think of the people you leave behind. You think of the pain they go through, the unanswered questions, the utter and complete hopelessness a mother feels when burying her child, the costs of such things, the feeling of that news (I’m sure everyone has gotten that call at some point in their lives, know that all crushing feeling).. Well like I said, sometimes it helps if you think these things… but some days… most days, you just feel even worse and just react accordingly.
So you search and you hunt, and finally I found something to take my mind off of it. Now mind you I have amazing friends and family, but I can’t burden them with it.. so I took my darkest days and laughed at it. Now I’m no stranger to failing suicide attempts, so when I stumbled on these things, it made me happy.
Crisis averted for now.. that and the fact that I can’t think of a proper way to exsanguinate myself in the workspace. Just Thought I’d share.. Happy Trails peeps.
Reminds me of something oddly enough, once upon a time I remember people using common sense, and then I suddenly remember that disappearing. I would blame my younger sibling’s generation, but I’ve changed my mind and decided on a much better target… my parent’s generation. Yea I’m eying all of you who were teens in the 80s. What the hell? I mean seriously, your children are damn terrible and I would rather die next year than to see the ravenous beasts that they’re raising rise up and run anything in the world… of course there are exceptions, but they’re very few and far between.
I know weird, all of this bought on by Plank from Ed Ed N Eddy… and don’t question my logic, you’re the one reading a crazy girl’s blog :P
So, I’m a bit off my rocker now, and it is totally and completely different feeling than being crazy before you were treated for it. You notice a lot of difference in thoughts like “hey I sleep 18 hours a day because I’m chemically imbalanced” used to be “if I sleep now I’ll be less likely to murder someone within the next hour.”
It’s pretty interesting.